Garden Living

Dear Michael,

Time's running out. Renew your subscription to Garden Living and enjoy another year of the amazing content you can't find elsewhere. Don't wait! This offer is available for a limited time only.

Anxiously,
Karen Trandel
Director of Consumer Marketing

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Dear Current Resident,

Hello! Michael must have moved without updating his address with us. That's fine. Michael was a lousy person. Good riddance! We don't dwell on the past. We focus on to the future. The future of gardens and gardening practices.

While we're on the topic, though, we'll just come out and say it: Michael was functionally illiterate. The check for his subscription was from his mom. We think she was trying to subscribe him to a children's magazine and sent for this by mistake.

Michael had secrets. Did you know that? Dark secrets. We had someone follow Michael for a few weeks to check him out. Apparently he likes to skip lunch and hang out at the zoo- a lot. We have pictures of him staring wistfully at the lions. The doctor I consulted said it was an obvious case of Zoophilia.

I went through his trash once, and I found a ton, I mean a ton, of like, really strange things: old newspapers, cardboard tubes, spoiled food. Gross. What is up with this guy? What makes him tick?

Not only that, but Michael thinks I'm "stalking" him. That I've sent him "pictures of a wedding cake I made for us." And that I "try to be closer to him through violence." Oh, please, Michael. Take your restraining order and just get over yourself.

Anyways, he's moved or he's dead or something. Whatever. We're all better off without him. How about you, though? Do you have any interest in subscribing? It's a great publication. You simply won't regret it.

Eagerly,
Karen